The Odyssey of Alex Escobar: a Venezuelan migration story, part three

This is the third part of a three-part series, Hannah Lahoz W. Interviews Venezuelan migrant Alex Escobar for Puntorojo about his experiences coming to the U.S.

Hannah: Okay, we’re starting with the end of your year in Texas, two years ago, when you decided to move to New York City.

At that time, my car was stolen, and I didn’t have the money to buy another one. I started thinking about where I could get around without a car, and the only city that seemed like a good option was New York, because of the subway. Also, my work in Colombia and Venezuela was in fashion, in clothing stores, and I think New York is one of the fashion capitals. So, I spent a long time analyzing what the best option was until I decided, “I’m going to New York.” I saved up the money, as I mentioned in the last interview, and came on a plane. I arrived here at your house, where I was received very warmly. Raúlimar, who was a friend of mine at the time and lived here [she had lived in our house for a year when Alex arrived], offered to help me with temporary lodging and to talk to you, since you might be able to help me. I knew her through a friend who had businesses in Venezuela and Colombia. She told me that you were helping migrants because there was a wave of people coming to the USA.

I was very sad on the plane and cried a lot, but inside I kept saying, “This is my new beginning, and I can’t start sad because history will repeat itself. If I move to New York sad and depressed, it will be the same as in Texas.” I said this to myself on the plane until I really decided to start over, to see this as a new beginning. I arrived here in New York, Raúlimar and you welcomed me, and I started living here. At that time my mental health was very bad but knowing that you were a psychologist and my feeling of being supported, my suicidal thoughts disappeared. I felt like I was with family, at home, and I knew that nothing bad was going to happen because you were there. I had and still have a warm home and roof over my head; I have food, health, company, and support.

At that time, I didn’t have a job, but I had recently received my Social Security number and work permit. I opened my Uber accounts, you helped me rent a vehicle so I could work, and I did that for about three months. During that time, I was very insecure because I didn’t speak English, and I wanted to go back to working in fashion, but I was afraid because I didn’t speak the language. Until one day I made up my mind and went to Mango on Fifth Avenue [international clothing chain where he had worked in Venezuela and Columbia].

I just asked if they were looking for people to work, and they said yes. I asked in Spanish, and they were very kind and helped me from the first moment. They told me: “Don’t worry about your language; you can learn. You just need to have Social Security and a work permit.” And at that time, I didn’t have an ID. I had a passport… but arriving in New York was a blessing, or rather, at a good time, because here you could get an ID without much trouble. I started at Mango in May, working in the stockroom loading boxes and clothes. At that time, I felt good because to do my job well, I had to speak English, and I think it was a good time and place to do it. But I decided to start from scratch and begin learning, so I enrolled in a public school to learn English while working and studying. That was on Fifth Avenue. I started learning English, going to school, and learning day by day. They saw at Mango that I had a talent and started a development plan for me.

Then I began to adapt much more. I believe this house was and is a home for me because I feel good here. I don’t feel attacked, I don’t feel limited. I can be whatever I want here. In the sense that if I’m gay, you accept me; if I dance, you accept me. Always with respect. But you’ve never limited me, and I think we’ve never had problems because there’s always mutual respect. You help me a lot, and we keep each other company.  I’ve been able to grow, and you’ve always helped me to be a better person, responsible, to help my family, save money.

Why live in New York? It’s very expensive, but here I can have a peaceful life, and that’s what I was looking for. I wanted a quiet life, and now I have it.  With more English and many good opportunities, I’m happy at my store. I no longer work on Fifth Avenue; they transferred me to Soho in a different position, and I’m on a development plan with the company, and I’m happy there. This is my job because it gives me money, and with that money, I help my mother and two siblings. My mom doesn’t have any problems; she always has food.

Hannah: Until six months ago you attended parties, concerts, festivals, but now you have stopped. Can you explain why you are now afraid to go out?

When I moved to NYC, I decided to do things I always dreamed of. For example, going to concerts. I really like it because when I was a kid I couldn’t go to concerts because we didn’t have money, and I always remember my mom taking me outside the venues and I would listen to the artists from outside because we didn’t have any money. Now I don’t feel safe going because Trump talks about limiting rights for gay people, and the situation with immigration in New York is that they take people even if they have work permits or are in a legal process; they don’t respect that.

I still feel happy but scared because I’m finally at the point in my life that I always wanted. I’m at peace but also thinking that at any moment it could end or that they could deport me which causes a lot of anxiety and sadness.  I also like parties, but I don’t go as often anymore because I think I’ve matured. I have more responsibilities with my mom, my family, my siblings, my niece, and myself; so, I have to take care of myself mentally and financially to be able to achieve the things I want.

But my time here in New York has been beautiful, it’s been very beautiful. I haven’t had any sad or depressed moments. I think my best medicine has been being surrounded by you, by Kimi [Venezuelan mother of two who lives here with her partner], by people, by friends. I have very good friends, some are Dominicans and some are from Venezuela. Close friends. I consider them family and that’s why I take care of them. I have friends from Venezuela that I know from there who also live in fear right now, much more so. Many of them don’t have work permits because my friends don’t have Temporary Protective Status because the government canceled them, and they’re afraid.

I have Dominican friends who are very good friends to me, from my work, from China, from America, from here, from many places. I’ve learned many things from them, and I think that’s what healed me, surrounding myself with good people. I’m cured, no more depression, no more sadness, nothing. But I think, Hannah, that if I hadn’t made the decision to move to New York, I’d probably be dead. And today I believe and feel that all the sadness I went through to get here and to Austin, in Texas, all the problems I went through were worth it.

I had to go through all that bad stuff to get here, and that’s why I’m so afraid that this will end, or that they’ll take me. I don’t know what I would do, I don’t know how I would feel. I would feel that maybe, obviously, I wouldn’t be able to help my family anymore, because my mom’s salary, my mom is a retired teacher, and her monthly salary is $10 a month. You can’t buy anything with that in a month; you can’t survive. So, yes, I’m very happy, but since Trump came to power, I feel a lot of pressure.

I believe that if nothing changes with Trump, he could become a dictator because I feel he wants to have absolute power, and then people can’t express themselves, they can’t contradict him, they can’t say “I disagree” because he simply arrests them, kills them, or does something else terrible. And I think the situation in my country is very difficult now with what happened. I think it’s wrong because it’s not his country. I think he’s looking for other things, like wealth for himself and the rich, and not to actually help the people of Venezuela. And possibly becoming a dictator—yes, I feel that’s what he wants.

Hannah: Well, you know I criticize not only Trump, but the United States government, Biden, and Obama: they are all imperialists, they want to take everything, but the Democrats usually manage to appear less brutal. Trump is different because he doesn’t lie about wanting money, wanting power, wanting to take everything. 

I don’t know what to talk about in this interview, but I think I understand that it’s very important in your life. Like, eight months ago I asked if you would be willing to get married for my green card, you said OK, I’m going to get a divorce, and I said yes, then no, it is too dangerous, and then more recently when even people with green cards are being deported  you were like, there may not be a point, and I said, yes, no, and then you were like, it doesn’t matter, it won’t help, and then my lawyer said it might help so you said OK, let’s do it. And not just when you want to talk about it, For me this is part of hope, because I think it’s difficult to get a Green Card, but I’ve heard a lot of people who have a Green Card and also get deported.

I feel like it’s not safe at all [getting married], but I want to try because, like I said, being here is very important to me, and I do not know what options I have left.  If I weren’t here, my family would practically go hungry and lack everything because it all depends on me. So, I am glad to be here in the United States, but my biggest responsibility isn’t to myself; it’s to my family.

And I was thinking: what is the solution? That was the only one I found because Trump eliminated TPS, all the benefits, and possibly in the future might eliminate even more. He doesn’t want immigrants, and for me, it’s very sad and frustrating because, okay, this isn’t my country, but we help the country because I pay a lot of taxes, and I behave well. I feel like he doesn’t want anyone, no one, no immigrants.  And I think it’s frustrating and sad because I say, I’m in the United States to help my family, but at the same time, I’m helping the economy grow, and I would like to stay here to grow myself and all that, but I really feel like most of us Latinos who like being here work very hard; nothing is given to us for free. 

One thing: I’m not here because I want to be. If it were up to me, I would be in my country. We eight million people from my country don’t leave because, oh, we want to go on vacation to other countries or to the United States.  If we don’t work here, it’s out of fear. If you look at how much the United States has been built, mostly by immigrants from all over the world: Europe, Latin America, Africa, China, then I feel that the United States isn’t in a good place right now, I think, and it hurts me because I’m happy here.

I have learned to love this country, and it hurts me to see people suffering, people afraid, citizens getting killed, for example, the shooting of Renee Nicole Good for defending migrants. I mean, how far will someone’s power or evil go just for power? I don’t think that’s good. I think there are… There are more good people than bad, like you and my bosses. I think Trump and his people don’t define what America is. There are a lot of bad and ignorant people who say, “Oh, we don’t want Latinos.” I don’t know why, but to top it off, I feel like many people do want Latinos in this country.  

People here have made me feel happy and supported. There are a lot of empathetic people, and I want to thank everyone who reads this, those who can possibly help an immigrant, help them through their process, because it’s not easy. Most people—you see the face of an immigrant, or you see me working, or whatever—but you don’t know what I had to go through, the desert, the dead, to be able to be here. So, I think the world will be a better place if we all look at each other and understand, or try to understand, why, what that person has behind their story. I think the United States is a very beautiful country, and I would like to say that they still have time to save it, to prevent it from becoming a hellhole, as it possibly will if this person remains in power. I’m neither Republican nor Democrat because I wasn’t born here. I’m simply an Observer. I’m watching. I have nothing to do with it, and it’s sad because there are people suffering because of all this who are innocent, and there are people who want to help, for example, you. Sometimes I’m afraid when you go to a protest because, I don’t know, wanting to help migrants is a risk, you understand? 

Hannah: I’m going to fight for justice, for everyone’s rights, for, you know, it’s my life, I can’t do anything else. 

But I want it to stay so you can go out on the street and raise your voice and express yourself because it’s very difficult to be in a country where you can’t express yourself like I am unable to here. I want to go out on the street and defend myself. I can’t. It’s 5:00 in the morning when I go to work, and I try to cover up my face so they don’t see that I’m Latino on the street or subway.

And sometimes I think, why do I have to hide who I am? Why do I have to hide my face if I haven’t done anything wrong to anyone? And I try to wear a sweater, but it’s only because I don’t want them to grab me or judge me just for being Latino. I’m not to blame for being Latino. I’m not to blame. I’m a human being. We are all human beings, whether from China, Africa, or Australia. We all have rights, and we should be able to be at peace and happy. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to keep hiding like this my whole life. 

First, I hid for being gay, and now I hide for being an immigrant. I want to be free, first in my own country, I can’t say I am gay because it can kill me. I came here, I feel very happy. I can be what I am, express myself, and now I have to hide because I’m Latino.  That’s not a sin or a crime, and that’s all.